


we live and die by pretty lies | ballum

by lockedinmybody



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Softness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 08:56:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19373419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockedinmybody/pseuds/lockedinmybody
Summary: "Hiya," Ben says, and Callum's head raises. He meets his eyes and gives Ben a weak smile. "Hey," He replies, and when he hears his own scratchy voice Callum clears his throat.Ben shifts his eyes to the bedroom for a moment. Callum's whole demeanor is telling him that nothing's going to happen, not what usually happens when they're together, and this is normally where Ben bolts.He walks over, slow steps, and places a hand on Callum's shoulder. "D'ya want a cuppa?"or, three times Ben realised what he has with Callum might be a bit more than an affair, and one time Callum realises too.





	we live and die by pretty lies | ballum

**I**  
Callum texts him to come over. In the past few weeks, that has only meant one thing, and Ben quickly texts him back, fingers hastily tapping on the screen.  
_On my way._  
The next ten minutes however, are not spent being on his way, but in front of his wardrobe, worrying over whether or not Ben should change his outfit.  
Then the thought occurs that if he dresses up slightly, Callum will most definitely notice, and Ben doesn't want him to draw any conclusions from that.

The front door is unlocked, and Ben slowly makes his way up the stairs. When he walks into the living room, Callum is sitting on the couch, eyes down and hands clasped together in his lap.  
Something feels off.  
"Hiya," Ben says, and Callum's head raises. He meets his eyes and gives Ben a weak smile. "Hey," He replies, and when he hears his own scratchy voice Callum clears his throat.  
Ben shifts his eyes to the bedroom for a moment. Callum's whole demeanor is telling him that nothing's going to happen, not what usually happens when they're together, and this is normally where Ben bolts.  
He walks over, slow steps, and places a hand on Callum's shoulder. "D'ya want a cuppa?"

When Ben returns from the kitchen with two mugs, Callum hasn't moved.  
He sits down next to him, leaving enough space for Callum to pull away if he wants to. Ben deliberates for a moment if he should ask, but decides against it, and instead contently sips his tea in silence.  
"I don't think I can do it anymore," Callum says then, and Ben feels his heart sink. The impulse to get up and leave is strong, but if this is how it ends, they should finish it together.  
"Yeah?" Ben says, hearing the bitterness in his own voice, but when he looks at Callum, Callum just looks sad and empty. 

"It's just," Callum runs his thumb over the edge of his mug, "all of these thoughts keep goin' round in my head, and I can't get away from them."  
Ben presses his lips together, fighting every instinct to kick off and keeps his gaze on Callum.  
"There's all the wedding stuff going on, my dad and Stuart keep interfering with everythin', I feel like I can't do right by Whitney no matter how hard I try and on top of all that I'm living a big fat lie."  
Callum's jaw clenches at the end of his sentence, and Ben can see once again how uneasy he feels with himself. Like his own skin doesn't fit him right.  
Callum takes a deep breath. "I thought," he starts again, but his voice breaks, and Ben sees his lip tremble slightly. He can't help himself, he has a hand on Callum's knee before he's thought about it.  
"I thought I had it sorted," Callum pushes through, "that it was gone." 

Ben takes Callum's mug from his hands and sets it on the table with his own, shifting to sit sideways to look at Callum.  
He looks utterly miserable, and Ben gives him a soft smile, bringing a hand up to Callum's cheek. His heart breaks for Callum, and he feels the pain of not wanting to be the way you are all too well.  
"You don't have to sort it, or get rid of it."  
Callum's eyes fill with tears, and Ben pulls him in, Callum's head against his collarbone as he holds him.  
"'S alright," Ben mumbles, pressing his lips against Callum's hair, and he feels Callum's hands twisting in his shirt. 

After a few minutes, Callum sits back up again, eyes down. "Can you stay here for a bit?"  
Ben's face softens. He leans in, and kisses Callum's cheek quickly.  
"'Course."  
He didn't need to ask.

 

 **II**  
It's not often that Ben drinks himself blind, not anymore anyway. He tries to keep in mind that he has a daughter who hopefully looks up to him, too much to lose to behave so stupidly.  
But things hadn't been going his way all day, and then he'd seen one of the blokes who killed Paul walking around, and it hadn't taken long before he'd locked himself in the car lot with a bottle of vodka.  
He does see his phone screen lighting up ever more frequently as time progresses, but halfway through the bottle his eyes can't seem to focus, and it's probably not important anyway.

Then there's a knock on the door. "Oi, Ben! Why is this locked, let me in!" He hears Jay shout, and Ben groans as he tries to sit up slightly.  
"Go away, we're closed today." He shouts back, the words sounding slurred even to his own ears.  
"Are you drunk?" Jay says, quieter now, and Ben rolls his eyes even though Jay can't see him.  
"'M not, havin' a day off." Ben says, swirling the remaining liquid in the bottle around. His body burns with alcohol, yet he feels nothing but cold.  
"You can't just-" Jay says but he cuts himself off and sighs. Ben hears footsteps not long after.

He doesn't know how much time has passed, but the bottle is empty when someone puts a key into the door of the cabin. Callum steps through.  
Ben frowns up at him. "Why are you here?"  
Callum doesn't look impressed. "Jay went and got his key from home, and he's doing work now so I'm here to make sure you don't drown yourself in booze."  
Ben holds up the empty bottle proudly, and grins. "Too late."  
Callum's face slackens a bit, and he steps forward, taking the seat on the other side of the desk.  
"What's happened?" He asks in the quiet. The only thing Ben can hear is the rustling of Callum's jacket as he shifts in his seat.

Ben shrugs. "Just wanted a drink, 's all." Callum nods at him as if he'll be satisfied with that, and waits.  
But Ben's drunk, and Callum always worms his way under his skin, and it feels a little too raw and open right now. "Listen I'll get home on me own and sleep this off, yeah. I don't need a therapy session with you."  
Ben fully expects Callum to get annoyed enough to give up and walk away, let Ben wallow in his own self-pity until he sobers up and comes up to Callum a few days later to sheepishly apologize.  
"How long do you think this," Callum gestures to the table, "will work instead of sharing it?"  
Ben scoffs. "Are _you_ really telling _me_ that I need to talk about my feelings? Bit ironic innit?"  
Callum takes a breath but doesn't cower. "I'm gettin' there. So should you."

Ben licks his lips as he sits up. "Saw one of the boys who beat up Paul in town. And it was too much, so I didn't want to feel anything for a bit."  
It's a stupid theory really, because the alcohol never truly numbs. At the end there's always a wave of magnified emotion, and it just leaves him sad and hollow.  
"I get that," Callum says quietly, "you could always come and talk to me, you know."  
Ben opens his mouth but Callum interrupts him.  
"We can talk about him, about what he was like, or about something completely different. As long as I don't have to see you like this again."  
Ben searches Callum's eyes, and he seems sincere. He nods at him. "Deal."

 

 **III**  
Of all the things Ben Mitchell had always wanted to be, a father was not one of them.  
Knowing how a bad one can properly screw you up didn't help.  
But he has a daughter now, and despite his best efforts, he's always convinced he's not doing enough.

Days like these don't help.  
He'd taken the day off so Lola could work a full day at the salon, but Lexi doesn't agree with those plans.  
"Why isn't mummy here, she said we were gonna go to the park today!"  
Ben pats her on the head as he sips his coffee. "You're gonna have to deal with me today, Lex. Mummy's working."  
He gets an angry face in return, and she refuses to eat any breakfast.

Two hours later, he's been to three different parks, none of which did the trick, and he's exhausted as he leads Lexi into the cafe.  
"Why are we going in here, I don't want to!" She says, louder than necessary, and Ben insistently pushes her forward.  
"Because you need to eat something, and I need some peace and quiet." He hates being like this, doesn't ever want to be mean or harsh to her.  
Ben knows how a parent can make you feel like a nuissance, unwanted. But his head is aching, and he's so frustrated he could cry. 

"Right, you sit down somewhere, I'll go get something." Lexi wanders off, and Ben orders some sandwiches.  
When he turns around with his tray, Lexi is sitting in a booth at the back, next to Callum, who gives him a sheepish wave.  
Ben sighs deeply before walking towards them.  
"Lexi, have you asked Callum if you could sit here?" He gives her a stern look, but she just turns to Callum and produces the sweetest smile Ben's ever seen.  
"You don't mind, right?" She says innocently, and Callum looks at Ben with an amused smile and raised eyebrows.  
Wonder where she got those manipulation skills.

"It's fine, sit down," Callum says reassuringly, gesturing to the space in front of him, and Ben lets himself fall down.  
"Right, get this down ya, please." Ben puts the sandwich in front of Lexi and then slouches down in his chair, rubbing his face with his hands.  
"Long day?" Callum asks, and Ben puts his hands down to look at him and nod.  
"Yeah," he looks at Lexi, now quietly chewing on her sandwich, "some days I don't know what I'm doing." Ben huffs a laugh. "Well, I never do, actually."  
Callum smiles at him, with soft understanding eyes, and Ben feels a little calmer.

"Are you working today?" Ben asks, and Callum nods. Ben nods back, and they hold eye contact for a bit, until they both smile and look away. Ben feels like a teenager.  
Lexi's finished her sandwich, and she leans forward over the table. "Daddy, what are we gonna do today?"  
Ben thinks for a moment. "Well, we can go home and you can play there, so I can do a bit of work?" He sounds hopeful, and Lexi immediately slaps him down.  
"But I don't want to!" She gets a little worked up, and Ben feels his face flush when he sees tears in Lexi's eyes.  
"Oh you know what though," Callum interjects, tapping Lexi's hand with his finger, "I think I've got some pages for you to color in, with some really cool markers."

Lexi's eyes widen, and she snaps her head to Ben. "Daddy, can I? Please?"  
Ben looks at Callum. "Cal, you don't have to-"  
Callum places his hand on top of Ben's. "We've got some coloring pages at work. I brought them in because we had a couple of kids who were brought along by their parents and they needed something to do. She'll be fine for an hour, you do some work, and I'll bring her back over, yeah?"  
Ben still hesitates a bit, and Callum probably senses that because he smiles and squeezes Ben's hand.  
It's nothing like the timid, bumbling Callum Ben's slightly more used to, and it looks good on him.  
He blows out a breath. "Okay. You're a lifesaver."  
Callum's grin widens.

Ben's done everything he wanted to do when the front door opens. Callum walks in, carrying a sleeping Lexi in his arms.  
"She fell asleep right before we went back," Callum whispers as he hands her over to Ben. Ben shakes his head with a laugh.  
"That's what you get after three temper tantrums in a morning. I'll put her to bed, wait here."  
After he's put Lexi to bed, he walks down the stairs and sees Callum sitting on the couch, looking around the room.  
"You-" Ben starts, sitting down next to Callum, but he can't even really find the words. "Just, thank you."  
Callum gives him an easy smile. "It's no bother."  
Ben bites the inside of his lip as he looks at Callum. He leans forward, takes one look at Callum's face and then swoops in, placing his mouth on Callum's.

He makes a surprised noise but quickly falls into it, and as soon as Ben feels that he moves one knee over Callum's, so that he's sitting in his lap.  
Ben holds one hand to the side of Callum's face and the other on his shoulder, and Callum's arms are around Ben's torso, hugging him close.  
Ben sighs with a small content noise against Callum's mouth. His body feels warm, and it's so pleasant to have him close again.  
He rolls his hips against him, and Callum pulls back with a shudder.  
"You should know," Ben says lowly as he kisses down Callum's neck, "that being good with kids is incredibly attractive."  
Callum laughs lightly. "Is it?" His voice breaks on the last word as Ben gently bites down on his tendon, and Ben feels his grip around his waist tighten.

He pulls back, holding Callum's face with a soft smile, face hovering close. "Yes."  
Callum's eyes keep dropping to Ben's mouth, and Ben almost feels a little shy, being on the receiving end of such an openly lustful and warm gaze.  
He leans up to Ben, flicks his nose against Ben's, making Ben laugh. It's sweet, and they rarely have time for things like that.  
"I want ya," Callum says quietly, but he's not hiding it, eyes open and earnestly looking into Ben's.  
Ben savours that look, and then leans in, kissing Callum open-mouthed and full, hands sliding down Callum's chest, holding nothing back. 

 

 **IIII**  
Callum is sitting in the office with Jay, looking at documents, when Jay's phone buzzes. He turns it over and scoffs at the message, shoving it aside again.  
"Not good news?" Callum asks, looking up.  
Jay rolls his eyes. "I was gonna go for a drink with Ben, but he's just cancelled on me."  
Callum snorts, clicking his pen. "Yeah, probably got other plans that you don't wanna be around for."  
"He doesn't even have that app on his phone anymore, so you'd think he's got time for me, but you know." Jay replies, and Callum feels his stomach dip.

"What, no more hookups?" Callum asks, trying to keep his voice steady.  
Jay looks up from his paperwork. "Yeah, he deleted that app like a month ago."  
Callum nods. "Right, yeah."  
He tries to focus on the document again, but it's no use.  
Ben hasn't been seeking out other guys for at least a month, maybe even longer if he hadn't really been using it.  
Callum knows they've been growing closer, despite his best intentions, but it's still difficult to read Ben.  
Sometimes he'll say things, small things, whispers in the quiet, when he feels brave, and Callum knows he should listen extra carefully.

What usually wins however, is the part of Callum which thinks he can't have this. This life, this love he feels, and have that love returned. That's not for him.  
He's terrified of making that leap, and he knows he can't do it alone. He's always expected Ben to turn away at some point, but he hasn't so far, and apparently he's not looking for Callum's replacement either.  
Callum can't figure out if this excites or scares him. Probably both.

He needs something more, something tangible. His doubts are always going to win, if he's not sure how Ben feels.  
"You can go to him, if you want." Jay comments, not taking his eyes off the paper.  
Callum looks up, confused. "What?"  
Jay raises his head, unamused. "'M not an idiot. Go and talk to him."  
Callum opens his mouth to protest but closes it again, just looks at Jay instead with a perplexed look on his face.

"Right, give me your phone," Jay gestures with his hand, and Callum hands it over.  
After a few seconds of tapping Jay pauses, and Callum hears a notification noise.  
"See," Jay says, sliding the phone over.  
He's asked Ben if they can meet. Ben's agreed.  
"Took him five seconds, that." Jay says, a pointed look on his face. 

Callum's teeth sink into his lower lip as he sits still for a moment, and then he gets up.  
His legs carry him to Ben's doorstep faster and faster, and his heart thumps in his chest.  
Maybe they were always meant to be more than this.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks again for reading, i really appreciate it! do let me know what you thought in the comments.  
> you can also find me on [tumblr](https://softlofty.tumblr.com/):)  
> 


End file.
